When an item is sold as 'Maintenance Free!', what they really mean is, if it breaks you can't fix it.

   Don't fret about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

   Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   Of course I can keep secrets.....It's the people I tell them to who can't.

   If the universe is still expanding, how come I can never find a parking space?

   Slogan at a kleptomania convention: Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose isn't nailed down.

   It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the emergency stop at the end.

   Why not have your cake and eat it too......It's cake for heaven's sake, what else are you going to do with it?

   Have you heard of the 50-50-90 rule? Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, you're 90% likely gonna get it wrong.

   If all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would have soggy fags.

   The guy who invented the wheel was clever, but the guy who invented the other three, now HE was the real genius.

   I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and do you know why??
It would take about a million ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone FIRE it.

   How does a fool and his money get together in the first place?

   I told my dad, "When I grow up I want to be a musician." He said, "You can't do both."